Back to work.

I have not written very much lately and thougt it was abou time to update...

April 1st I started working, 2 hours a day for two weeks, then 4 hours a day till may, then 6 hours a day, and since June 1st I am back full force worke wise. It's going alright. I am not one to complain much, but it is the same old problems I deal with.

The one thing that I can thank my illness for is this-a change in perspective. For more insight you will have to ask me personally....I prefer to stay vague on here though.

~ <3 H.

Follow ups!

They stress me out! Bad!

Dear cancer....

Dear Cancer,

you have been a part of my life for a long time now. My family has been affected by you and I always feared you and saw you as one of the biggest threats. Last year you decided to come into my life and to be ever so present. I never invited you or asked you to come, but you came anyways.

I fought you, and so far I have won the battle. What I came to realize though, is that eventhough I may have won the fight, you are the kind of enemy that, eventhough defeated, will not leave. Your presence does not vanish.

Alright, if that is the case, I have to accept it, I have to allow you to have that minor role that you demand. So here you are, here is your space, it is all yours-but you will not get more from me!

H.

1 year ago

1 year ago I started Chemotherapy-one of the most terrifying, scariest, and shittiest days of my life!

Here a note to all those that think it is ridiculous that I am tired after only 4 hours of work-BITE ME!!! For a better part of 2010 I was poisoned, had 2 surgeries, and radiation. Before you know what that feels like (and I hope you NEVER have to) you should not even for a second pretend that you have any sort of clue or idea of what I am talking about when I say I am tired.

Chemo does something with you that is not repaired within a few weeks. Thank you!

375 days later

375 days ago my life changed

375 days ago I was told I had cancer. By far one of the worst moments of my life. You see, when I was told "you have breast cancer" something inside of me broke. That little voice of hope was shut up!

Yes, here I am...alive, happy, laughing, more or less healthy-but let's be realistic, it was one hell of a battle to get here! I still suffer, I am still in pain, I am still nauseous, I am still dizzy, my feet and fingers are still without feeling, I still have panic and anxiety...the list goes on and on!

I AM thankful for the experience, just simply because I learned that I am pretty freaking strong

BUT...

a little something inside of me broke 375 days ago and I haven't been able to fix it yet!

Tomorrow it begins

I am going back to work tomorrow-I have had panic attacks for a week now!

Let's hope it turns out to be a lot easier than I am thinking!

Normality and fitness

Normal is a strange word.

What's normal for me is most certainly not normal for you and the other way around.

When I found a lump in breast a year and 4 days ago I was living a "normal" life. I went to work every day. I went running every day. I was way into healthy living, nutrition, sports. M. and I went on bike tours every weekend. M. and I cooked every night....Life was normal.

Then the cancer came. Chemo, surgery, pain, nausea, dizziness, fear, exhaustion, sadness...all that became normal.

Now, we are done with treatments, life is "normal", I have started running again, do yoga all the time, eat healthy, but I have a very different perspective than I did 12 months ago, what was normal then is not normal today and what is normal today would have NEVER been normal then.

I could ramble on forever, what I am trying to say is that I am a changed person...whatever that means.

-H.