Half way point

I am disappointed.
Crushed a bit, really.
But I will only admit it on here.
I will not tell anybody how devasting today was for me!

Here is what happened. Since I am half way done with Chemo, I had an appointment for an ultrasound to check if Chemo has shrunk the tumor. That would be good. If it was gone it would be ideal....

Well, I can still feel the tumor and told myself "it won't be smaller!".
It isn't.
Of course the Dr. tells me that since it has not grown, that is still GREAT.

Whatever!

Feeling crushed-an oh so familiar sensation.

Chemo Nr. 3.

Chemo Nr. 3 was yesterday. I went over with pretty well, though it is kicking my butt a lot more.

Things went fine, M. sat with me the entire time, my Mom came by. I cannot eat the hospital food they serve us for lunch anymore. The smell alone is enough to make me gag. So M. went to the butcher across the street and got me some sandwiches. I am not sure wat it was, but I know that I cannot eat anything from that place anytime soon.

I am sick. I am tired. My head is spinning. I am weak. Quite weak. M. and I went "shopping" with a couple of friends. It was too much for me. In the evening we were invited to dinner. It was too much.

Now I just lay here. Feeling tired and sick, unable to sleep, unable to get comfortable. I wish the chemo monster would leave.

I have no hair left on me. A few eyelashes. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person I see.

FEAR

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

I am scared. I am fearful. I cannot explain this to you, it is just that way. I wake up and I have this fear in my. And it will not leave...

Happy Anniversary!

M. and I have been married for two years since yesterday!

Ahhh how lucky I am to have this wonderfuly amazing husband on my side. Did I mention he sits by my side while I get Chemo, all day long, he rubs my hands when I have a headache, he makes me heat packs when my bones hurt, he cooks me soup when I am cold, he rubs my head when I am scared....THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I never take him for granted. I am always thankful to have him on my side. I am always scared that I am too rude too often.

I wish I could tell him how much evreything he does means to me!

M. took me to Italy for a few days for our anniversary...and getting away from Doctors, from Chemo, from cancer, from the fear...ahh it was so good.

Felt alive for the first time in months!