"But..." no more buts!

"...but you are so strong!"

"...but you fight so hard!"

"...but you are such an inspiration!"

"...but you are beautiful!"

I know these are all well meant comments. I know they are sincere. I know they are meant to comfort me. I know they are meant to help. I know they are said because the other person does not know what else to say. I know I know I know...but:

I AM TIRED OF HEARING "BUT"

Sometimes, when I complain, when I feel weak, when I am scared, when I worry, when I am tired, when I feel ugly, when I am in pain, when I feel gross, when I feel sick-I just don't want to hear it! I hear it every day...the "but" makes it sound like it's ok that I am sick, and I am sorry there is nothing ok about it. Nobody asked me, because I would have said NO....I HATE BEING SICK!

Chemo Nr. 6

Chemo Nr. 6 was on July 22nd. I was, to be totally honest, terryfied of it.
After Nr. 5 being the way it was, I just new it was going to be tough...And it was!!

I got quite sick within the first 20 minutes of the first dose...boy! I did not have it in my this time to concentrate on anything else. I hate pitting myself...I hate feeling sick...I hate beeing stuck in a situation that causes me to feel this way.

"It is the last one", "You are almost done", "Remember it is for the better"....GREAT!
My Dr. told me today that I should pick a song or something to celebrate this achievement-sorry but celebration time will have to wait!!!

My sister and husband were there to be next to me through all of it and I am thankful for everyone that cares for and about me, but sometimes explaining how I am doing, how things are going, gets exhausting!

I got very sick and actually do not feel like writing too much about it, other than that it was, as expected, VERY tough and hard for me. I am grateful that I am done with this!

Gentest-the result

In short-I am not a carrier of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation....this was a much atincipated day, and I did not tell anybody about it. Why I wonder now that I am writing. I guess I was scared. Fear...a common theme these days!

Anyways, right now I am relieved. I am not a carrier. Nice.

Yes. these days happiness seems small and fragile...like something I have to handle with care!

Chemo Nr. 5

I had my 5th Chemo on Thursday July 1st, 2010. Yes, "we" are getting closer to the end...

We-me, M. my parents, my sister, friends, those that care-have almost made it through Chemo!

M. and I got there a little bit before 8 o'clock and things moved in normal pace. I was a bit irritable and annoyed though when they did finally hook me up to the first Chemo at around 11 am. At this point it was in the mid 80's and no A/C and I immediately realized that the medicine was dripping much slower than normal.

I got hooked up to the second bag around 12:30, and again....reaaaaaaaaaaly slow. So I asked the nurse why that was the case, and she didn't even look at me or the IV and just walked off saying "it's all good". Now all the nurses and Doctors have been nothing but wonderful and amazing to me and have tried to make this as easy as possible, but this particular one...really? I wanted to let her have a piece of my mind, instead I cried.

At this point my Mom and M. were both sitting next to, knowing that the only thing they can do in moments like these is let me cry and tell them what I am upset about. Tell them what I want, why I am angry....

At about 2 pm I was hooked up to the third and final bag of Chemo, I again told the rude nurse that it was dripping very slow and she went to the other nurse saying "Could you check on this, she thinks it's too slow!" and yes, the other nice nurse turned up the drip for me, so we were out of there a little before 4 pm....Long Day!

As soon as we got home, I went straight to bed and did not get up till the next day around 10:30 am. To be honest, I have gotten up out of bed, showered, did some laundry, fixed some food...but most of my time is spent in bed....

Side effects are worse than ever: fatigue, nausea (can't even drink water), head aches, dry mouth....