No more hospitals! Please....

I think if I counted up all the time I spent in hospitals this year it would amount to something quite significant. One of the ladies said this "you know, we have a deadly illness, you'd think your time is more valuable than ever....sure isn't to the Docs". How true is that.

To me spending entire days in a waiting room is stress. Stressful. Full of stress. The smell makes me want to puke. The yellow walls make me want to cry. The rude secretaries make me want to scream. Stress! I have read every single magazine in each of the waiting rooms, and know way too much about the life of the rich and fabulous! STRESS

Surgery

Had my surgery.
I went with the lumpectomy.
All went well.
Had to stay 5 days.
Got out today, am tired, sore, crushed....my spirits are low, very low.

I met a few women who really touched me.

R. with cervical cancer. So scared. Found out she will need chemo. Terrified. I told her that she will be fine.

I. breast cancer. Like me she wanted a mastectomy but Docs convinced her of lumpectomy. They didn't get it all the first round. She had to stay and get another surgery, this time mastectomy.

I wish I could help. I wish I could make these women healthy, or at least feel better. I am angry. I am disappointed and cannot even say why.

This time I did not want anybody-aside from family-to visit. I get irritated with the looks, the "ohhh you poor thing" looks. I am not poor. I am not little. It is a horribly ugly thing, but not the end....which is why I don't want to be treated this way.

Dr. S. the surgeon is happy with the wound, I think it is ugly and I don't feel a thing on my right side. What a prospect!

"I know you will make it"

Is one of the many sentences I hear all the time. People tell me they "know", in the end it will have been "just" a trial! I am "a strong person", right!

When I am told those things I smile. Inside I think "You do NOT know". At this point nobody knows. We all hope. I fight. I will continue to fighting however long I need to, but you do not know the outcome. In 5 years nobdoy can say "I knew".

I bitch a lot these days. Please forgive me. On a lighter note: I have great family and friends, that have learned to deal with me, and let me cry when I need to, without saying "all will be good!"