Lymphdrainage

I am starting Lymphdrainage today.
Yeah, they say that since only 2 lymphnodes were removed I should not have problems.
But I do.
A lot.
My arm hurts, it swells, and I cannot carry my purse with it.

So, I am getting lymphdrainage today!

Babies Mamas, Mamas with strollers, pregnant women

At the risk of offending-I am really annoyed and WILL vent!

Ok, so due to many things, especially my current medication regiment, I am not allowed in the sun. I am already very very fair complected, now I burn within minutes, plus I get sick.

So I walk in the shade. I mean I plan my routes if I even leave the house. All the time these days I find myself walking-in the shade-when a pregnant woman or a woman with a stroller will come up, and I'll be damned if she moves...NO! NEVER! "They" won't budge, and I(because I give in) end up in the sun! I always tell myself "next time" and find myself getting in the sun th next time, too...

ARRRGGGH! Note to self-when I have a baby or am pregnant and see clearly bald and sick person, be mindful! I can only imagine that being triple your normal weight during this heatwave sucks but please!

Let's all be a bit more mindfull!

The Good The Bad The Ugly

The Good days are:

When I can feel hopeful.
When I know I will beat this.
When I put a smile on my face no matter how many people turn their heads at my hairless head.
When I smell the forrest, a flower, food or something and think "how wonderful".
When I can go for a walk.
When I feel like talking.
When I enjoy reading.
When I feel inspired.

The Bad days are:

When I feel sad and worried.
When I cannot enjoy food.
When I feel tired.
When my energy is low.
When I have hot flashes.
When I smell somebody's perfume and it makes me gag.
When peoples looks hurt me.
When questions get on my nerves.

The Ugly days are:

When I have not the least bit of energy, strength, courage, or will to continue this fight.
When that silent feeling of panic cannot be controled and gets louder by the second.
When I wake up after a night of tossing and turning and am not so sure on how I am going to make it through another day of this.
When every day is only just one day closer to the next Chemo day.
When I want to scream, cry, and yell but don't even have the energy for that.

I am not one for pitty and I am not asking for it now either. The reason for me letting you know that I have bad days and worse days is simply that I am sorry for the way I act on those days.
I have been told how great it is that I am positive a million times over, but sometimes I too, am scared...fear is not a feeling I am very comfortable with, and it is in those moments of fear that I feel completely unable to come and ask for help. So please, please, please forgive me when I come across as rude!

Most days are good days for me, and I want to continue that way. I want to be that girl that smiles eventhough she has breast cancer. I want to feel inspired every single second that I go through this.

A lot of the very lovely ladies I have met at the day clinic where I get my Chemotherapy are not as fortunate as me, don't feel very well physically, lack the wonderful support that I have, feel lonely, and feel their spirits crushed. It is for those women that I put on a smile every time I walk in there, turn over to them and say "what a wonderful day, huh...today we are one day closer to being healthy!"

So, in the spirit of this, let us all have a wonderful day and let's help somebody smile and let us feel very inspired!

Chemo Nr. 4

Chemo Nr. 4 which I got on June 10th, 2010 was tough.

Everything went well, I got there a little before 8, left around 2:30-3 pm.

The ladies in my room were super sweet, one was there for here first Chemo and very nervous, one was there for here 4th like me and couldn't sit up on her own anymore, and one was there for her 11th treatment and was chowing down on her salami sandwiches....yes, we all handle Chemo very differently, and there is a reason the Dr. and Nurses do not say "this is how it will be" and rather "these are possible side effects, this may happen".

When we got home, I rested a bit and then my Dad came to visit and we went for dinner...not so smart. I was feeling a lot worse than I wanted M. and my Dad to know, so I sat at the table, at my dinner, and smiled. I couldn't tell you one word that was spoken. It is even hard to remeber that we went to dinner at all. Chemobrain! Nausea has become a real issue, coupled with heart burn, dry mouth, and fatigue....ohhh the joys of side effects!

At least the World Cup started! Go Germany!

Medications

Some have been asking me about how my medication regiment is since I have started Chemo. So, to make it easier, I write it down:

Day before Chemo:
- Cortison 1 pill every six hours

Day of Chemo:
- 1 Cortison pill in the AM
- 1 Aprepitant (Emend) for (or rather against) the nausea

Chemo itself:
1x Aprepitant
1x sleepy medicine
1x coritson
1xDocetaxel (Taxotere®) 75mg/qmKO-->actual Chemo stuff....
1xDoxorubicin (Adriamycin) 50mg/qm KO-->actual Chemo stuff...
1xCyclophosphamid 500mg/qm KO-->actual Chemo stuff....

7 hours after Chemo: 1x Cortison

Day1 (after Chemo):
- Aprepitant
- leukocyte booster shot

Day 2:
- Aprepitant

Day 5-10:
- Antibiotic

Every day:
3xVitamin B-because my hands and feet go numb all the time

If my blood count is low, I have to take antiobiotics for 5 days, which it has been low almost every week!