Sometimes.

There are moments when I act like a teenager. I think "screw it, I am done being sick, don't feel like being responsible" and then I act out of impulse! I am glad to realize that I am alive, that I still feel alive, I am grateful for a husband that will be next to me at all times....I am crazy, always have been, always will be...even if I am all settled down these days!

Lots of love to all of you!!!

Let me re-phrase this!

Ahhh...a couple of posts ago, I wrote about my disappointment. I was a bit in a hole that day, feeling sad and depressed. And while I am still sad about realizing how little my friendship, or I, seem to matter to people I love, I feel like I should say this:

I have the best friends in the world. I have the most amazing family in the world.

This entire journey, the illness, the chemo, the struggle...none of it would have been possible without my family and my amazing friends!

THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!

My new "friend"

I have wonderful amazing great friends and one of them happens to be my neighbor!

Yesterday she brought me this baby:

It is a three year old cherry tree. It came with a letter, telling me how she hauled the tree on her bicycle from the store home-in the snow. The letter said a lot more, but that is private. What B. did NOT know is that 1. cherries are my absolute favorite, and 2. I am a tree hugger, in true sense of the word. Yes, I hug trees. I think that trees are amazing, and while going through the ups and downs of life, I have learned that nothing is more restoring than going up to a tree and hugging it, leaning against it, whatever....I am weird like that!

Either way, it is an amazing gift and quite special!

Disappointment

It is very sad and hurtful to know that my husband's friends, my sisters friends, my friends that I have known only for five or less years, care a million times more than some of the friends of mine that I grew up with. Don't get me wrong, I 100% appreciate and love my US friends and those that I have only known for a short time, my sister's and my husband's friends! It is just that I missed my old friends so much while I was in the States, wanted nothing but to re-connect with them when I moved back to Germany, and needed them in the past nine months while I fought this battle of my life!

It has not been all of my old friends, but some. I am so thankful for every single one of my friends that stood by my side, send me encouragement, talked to me, met me for coffee, came by for dinner, went for walks with me, cared about me and my struggle....I am, however, equally hurt by those that never even bothered to give me a call, no less visit me while I was in the hospital or stuck at home as a chemo monster!

I am very hurt by their lack of interest. Yes, I fought for my life. And while I may have never really shown it, I struggled, it was hard, I was scared, I was weak, it was horrible, and lonely....and I really needed all the help I could get. It hurts to realize that somebody you care about so much, just really does not give a shit!

Yes, I am hurt. Very much so. This experience sucks as it is, but it sucked that much more to realize how little these particular people care....Whatever!

P.S: Just as I am writing this, my neighbor, whom I have no connection with, other than us living in the same building, brought me a plant because she wanted to congratulate me ro my new life....ahhhh I want to just throw up, but instead I will face this stupid stupid day, and smile!

Well, that's that!

Anticipated fear of a return of the cancer is very real. Yes, I do my self exam every single day. I am feeling bumps and lumps everywhere...ahhh....this is frustrating. The thing is this, it is normal to have this fear. I have read from some people that it took them years. Let's just hope that every single cancer cell was killed by chemotherapy, yeah!

Oh, and about the port...I was advised, again, to leave it in for at least 2, ideally 5 years. So that's that...a constant reminder that only in 5 years things are "safe"....what a skewed perspective of life I am living in. At age 28, for most people death is so far away. For me it is something I am faced with all the time. This year I have fought so incredibly hard FOR my life, I have learned not to take anything in it for granted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note I am extremely irritated with being sick. I mean I have been dealing with this cold for 6 weeks! It gets better only to get worse, and really bad, a little better...and worse.

That's my ramble for the day...off to a great weekend!

To keep the port, or not to keep it???

I have written about the port already before. It was an extremely uncomfortable experience having it put in. Since I have "gotten used" to it. I can do most daily activities without a problem. Most, not all. Yoga exercises are sometimes an issue, carrying a backpack is uncomfortable...but I manage. Anyways, now that treatment is over I have to decide whether to keep it in or not!

Why would you keep it? Well, worst case scenario, I am back at the Doctor's in a year or two because I found "something", should I need chemo again, they would recommend me a port again...

The reasons for getting it out are obvious!

What to do? What to do?

Can you believe it: I AM DONE!!!!

My dear readers,

I am happy to announce to you that I am done with treatment! Yes, it is true. I am officially done.

CRAZY

I have spent the last 9 months with Doctor appointments, Chemo therapy, radiation, surgery, needles, pain, nausea...and all of the sudden I am done. Just like that! Exactly 9 month minus 1 day I was diagnosed, and aside from rehab and after care appointments I am done with this chapter....Wooooohhhhoooo! Reality is, of course, that the chapter is not over, but trust me...I am going to party it up now! Be ready!!! Thanks everyone for all your help and support!

The very last one!

Today is going to be my very very very last radiation! Hoooooray! You have no idea how excited I am. This means, I will be allowed to shower normally! It also means that tomorrow I will start REMISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I'll throw a party...haha!

In two weeks a friend is coming to visit from the US, in 3 weeks it's Chrismas, in 4 a NEW YEAR...

2011, here I come, you will be my year!!!

Though I will tell you this: there will be NO RESOLUTION for 2011! My resolution for 2010 was to finally become healthy.....didn't quite mean it this way!

Got it sorted out...now let's find a new reason for worries!

Good news: I will start rehab on January 4th 2011. Just as I applied for it, here, as an outpatient.

Bad news: All this has taught me, again, that I have an issue with worrying. You see, M., my Mom, U., everybody told me "just call on Monday and they'll switch the date. It's that easy." But I was unable to concentrate all weekend, unable to sleep because the thought of having to start this week gave me that much anxiety! Ahhhh...I wish I could stop worrying! I used to be quite good at "switching off" my anxiety and worries, but thanks to lovely wonderful breast cancer I cannot! I don't know how to anymore!!

What to do?

Gaaawwwhhh...not a day without a hassle!

Yes, it sure seems as though there is an issue waiting for me every single day!!!!

Ok, in Germany you can get approved for rehab after a serious illness like cancer (you can get it for other things too). I think I mentioned before that I applied for it, on a outpatient basis, starting in January. The social worker that helped me file for it, said that the standard is to wait 3 to 4 weeks after the end of treatment, and with the holidays coming up it would make the most sence to start in the new year.....

Well, I did get approved. Well at least that is what the letter from the Clinic says. The letter also tells me to show up on Wednesday 9 AM. We're talking about 4 days from today, one day after radiation ends, Wednesday....AGGGHHHH! It is very stressful for me, I must say!

You see, some may think "well, you have been off for 9 months now, isn't it time to return to work" Sure! Yes! But let's be realistic, I have NOT been on vacation, I did not have a cold...really, those 4 weeks that I was planning on having before rehab would have been the first chance to take a breather for me since....MARCH!!!

So, I am asking you to say a prayer, squeeze your thumbs, cross your fingers, send me energy...whatever it is you think works, for me to have the patience, strength, endurance....to take it up with the federal people next week, explaining why I cannot do this without a break!!!

Thanks!

Let's be honest.

Ok, let's be honest today, shall we?

I could not tell you how many times in the past 9 months I have heard the sentence "you are so strong" but it has been a lot. I have you fooled. I am not strong. Not at all. I hide. Only a very select few are allowed to experience my weak side, and even then I don't feel comfortable showing that I feel sad, scared, weak, fatigue, nauseous, anxious, or whatever...

I can't tell you why I have such issues showing that side of me, but I guess it is just the way I am.

There is one issue that I am wanting to write about today. Self image. You see, I

have grown in that area quite a bit in 2010. There is a certain "ideal" that I think all of us have in their mind when they look at themselves. Wherever that ideal comes from is really not that important, but I do not fit that ideal. I don't, and never will. You see, I have a cup size difference from one breast to the other, my right chest is brown like a rotisserie grilled chicken, I have three additional large scars on my body, I have really short eye lashes, my hair is short and shaggy without a real haircut, and so on and so on. I do not fit the "ideal". For the first time in a long long long time, however, I realize that I don't care.

My scars tell a story, as does my roasted skin and each additional kilogram that I gained during chemo. Yes, I will never make it on the cover of Elle magazine, or Shape and that is fine with me, because I guess my story has never been about "fitting in".