I could not tell you how many times in the past 9 months I have heard the sentence "you are so strong" but it has been a lot. I have you fooled. I am not strong. Not at all. I hide. Only a very select few are allowed to experience my weak side, and even then I don't feel comfortable showing that I feel sad, scared, weak, fatigue, nauseous, anxious, or whatever...
I can't tell you why I have such issues showing that side of me, but I guess it is just the way I am.
There is one issue that I am wanting to write about today. Self image. You see, I
have grown in that area quite a bit in 2010. There is a certain "ideal" that I think all of us have in their mind when they look at themselves. Wherever that ideal comes from is really not that important, but I do not fit that ideal. I don't, and never will. You see, I have a cup size difference from one breast to the other, my right chest is brown like a rotisserie grilled chicken, I have three additional large scars on my body, I have really short eye lashes, my hair is short and shaggy without a real haircut, and so on and so on. I do not fit the "ideal". For the first time in a long long long time, however, I realize that I don't care.
My scars tell a story, as does my roasted skin and each additional kilogram that I gained during chemo. Yes, I will never make it on the cover of Elle magazine, or Shape and that is fine with me, because I guess my story has never been about "fitting in".
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