Back to work.

I have not written very much lately and thougt it was abou time to update...

April 1st I started working, 2 hours a day for two weeks, then 4 hours a day till may, then 6 hours a day, and since June 1st I am back full force worke wise. It's going alright. I am not one to complain much, but it is the same old problems I deal with.

The one thing that I can thank my illness for is this-a change in perspective. For more insight you will have to ask me personally....I prefer to stay vague on here though.

~ <3 H.

Follow ups!

They stress me out! Bad!

Dear cancer....

Dear Cancer,

you have been a part of my life for a long time now. My family has been affected by you and I always feared you and saw you as one of the biggest threats. Last year you decided to come into my life and to be ever so present. I never invited you or asked you to come, but you came anyways.

I fought you, and so far I have won the battle. What I came to realize though, is that eventhough I may have won the fight, you are the kind of enemy that, eventhough defeated, will not leave. Your presence does not vanish.

Alright, if that is the case, I have to accept it, I have to allow you to have that minor role that you demand. So here you are, here is your space, it is all yours-but you will not get more from me!

H.

1 year ago

1 year ago I started Chemotherapy-one of the most terrifying, scariest, and shittiest days of my life!

Here a note to all those that think it is ridiculous that I am tired after only 4 hours of work-BITE ME!!! For a better part of 2010 I was poisoned, had 2 surgeries, and radiation. Before you know what that feels like (and I hope you NEVER have to) you should not even for a second pretend that you have any sort of clue or idea of what I am talking about when I say I am tired.

Chemo does something with you that is not repaired within a few weeks. Thank you!

375 days later

375 days ago my life changed

375 days ago I was told I had cancer. By far one of the worst moments of my life. You see, when I was told "you have breast cancer" something inside of me broke. That little voice of hope was shut up!

Yes, here I am...alive, happy, laughing, more or less healthy-but let's be realistic, it was one hell of a battle to get here! I still suffer, I am still in pain, I am still nauseous, I am still dizzy, my feet and fingers are still without feeling, I still have panic and anxiety...the list goes on and on!

I AM thankful for the experience, just simply because I learned that I am pretty freaking strong

BUT...

a little something inside of me broke 375 days ago and I haven't been able to fix it yet!

Tomorrow it begins

I am going back to work tomorrow-I have had panic attacks for a week now!

Let's hope it turns out to be a lot easier than I am thinking!

Normality and fitness

Normal is a strange word.

What's normal for me is most certainly not normal for you and the other way around.

When I found a lump in breast a year and 4 days ago I was living a "normal" life. I went to work every day. I went running every day. I was way into healthy living, nutrition, sports. M. and I went on bike tours every weekend. M. and I cooked every night....Life was normal.

Then the cancer came. Chemo, surgery, pain, nausea, dizziness, fear, exhaustion, sadness...all that became normal.

Now, we are done with treatments, life is "normal", I have started running again, do yoga all the time, eat healthy, but I have a very different perspective than I did 12 months ago, what was normal then is not normal today and what is normal today would have NEVER been normal then.

I could ramble on forever, what I am trying to say is that I am a changed person...whatever that means.

-H.

No Valentine's day for me!

M. and I have decided that we will not celebrate Vday!

Well the truth is that I decided that and here is why:

1. We celebrate our love everyday.

2. Last year, right as I was getting ready for our Valentine's day dinner, I discovered a lump in my right breast. This lump turned out to be cancer and has changed my life forever. While there are a lot of good changes that came about I just don't feel like celebrating when all I can think off is how I first felt that lump.

Just thought I'd share!

Rehab is over

After prolonging my rehab for a week I am done.

Did it help anything? To be honest I am not sure. I found out new things that I was not aware off. I learned that my blood is still pretty messed up. I learned that I am fitter than I maybe thought.

What will I take home from it?

That only I can make time for me. That I have to take care of myself. That I can do a lot to feel better.

Lots of love!

-H.

Happy Birthday!

Today is M.'s birthday!

I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband. There was not one moment during this stupid cancer story that he made me feel as though I was alone in this. He has been the most patient and supporting person I could wish for. He knows when to leave me alone and when to be on my side.

I never take him or what he does for granted.

I know he has been scared, tired, exhausted, and worried. He has had to bottle up these feelings a lot, as so not to make me feel bad or to be the "strong one"!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Uff...I am so tired from all of this!

That is all I wanted to share.

I am so tired. So tired of feeling worried. So tired of explaining. So tired of the surprise on people's face when I say "I have/had breast cancer. I was 27 when I was diagnosed". . I am tired of people pretending like everything is fine...

What you-though chances are I do not mean YOU-may not understand is how much this has changed! What does "normal" mean?? Is it normal that I worry, that I have panic attacks everyday, that my energy levels are that of a 60 year old woman, that I have acute risk for osteoporoses, that my brain is mushed, that my bones hurt all the time, that I have headaches...the list goes on and on and on! All I am trying to say that nothing in my life is normal, normal would be to feel like a healthy 28 year old, instead I feel like an old 50 year old!

Of course, life goes on, and I will continue to answer "ok" when people ask me how I am doing, because that is what I do!

Lots of love, have an amazing weekend!!!

-H.

Fat liver!

Oh the joys of side effects from chemotherapy!!

It is not enough that I have a different sense of smell and taste, that I suffer from fatigue, that my hair feels different and that the color has changed. It does not suffice that my brain is not working properly and that I have a different perception of myself! No, no, no....let us add one more thing!

I have a fat liver. Yes, you read correctly. Like that of an alcoholic. It is not swollen significantly, and it should go back to normal.

Yes, it SHOULD...there are so many damn "shoulds" in my life these days.

- the cancer should be gone

- you should feel better

- within a year you should feel less fatigue

- your skin should not stay this dry

- your pain should go away

- you should not get any problems with lymphodema

Whatever! I know why they say "should" and not will, or is...they don't want to give the false impression of anything being certain in this stupid cancer world!!!! Cancer world, yes it is a different world, one that I hope you will only ever get to experience from the outside because it sucks and makes for bad stories!!!

Recovery

So far, recovery seems to be going alright....Rehab has helped me at understanding my body a bit better! SLOW DOWN is what my entire body has been screaming out loud at me, and at times at least, I just ignored it and went went went....No more! I work out daily, but with a mindful ear, listening to my body! When I feel hungry I eat. When I feel thirsty I drink....I want to do much better at giving my body everything it needs to heal and recover!

My return to the workforce!

I have been asked here and there and especially from my boss, when I will return to my lovely job!

TOO SOON!

Rehab will end on the 25th, after that I will be sick for another 4 weeks, and than I will return step by step:

1st 2 weeks: 2hrs/day

3rd-4th week: 4hrs/day

5th-6th week:6hrs/day

and then the full return.

My bosses comment: "Why do you let the Doctors stop you and don't just return to work"

Whatever! Whatever! Whatever!

Let me tell you something about being sick for 10 months, having 2 surgeries in that time, chemo therapy, and radiation...you are freaking exhausted and tired after all that. I just got done pumping my body full with POISON and it has NOT RECOVERED YET!!!!
So, I will take my sweet time before I return, because I deserve it! Yes I do!

Rehab

So, I started rehab on Tuesday! Yeah, it is a good, very good, thing I applied to come home at night.

I think I would die of boredom there! Other than that it is pretty ok. I have a room that use for the occasional nap, and to keep all my stuff. I get massages, fango treatment, lymphdrainage, work out with a 70 year old lady.....

I am a good 40 years below the average age, and accordingly slow paced are things for me. That's maybe a good thing for me though? Anyways, I am getting into a schedule, have to get up at 6:30 (which is still later than I did when I was working) and that's good. Having something to do is good to, and the massages, and fango make me feel good!

As a side note, you may know that I hate sand. I mean I really do. Going to the beach is ok, but I still hate the sand. Well, of course, one of my treatments is that I have to knead hot sand for 10 minutes every day! AWESOME!

Good bye Menopause!

Without going into too much details, I think I may be coming out of Menopause. Yes it is good news, but it makes me miserable! MISERABLE, BLOATED, BITCHY, IRRITABLE, CRAMPY! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Happy 2011! Thank you 2010

So, 2011 will be a fabulous year!!! It is decided!

2010 was hard, difficult, and challenging...but, and this is the honest truth, I am thankful for everything that happened! Of course, I would never choose to be sick if I was to make that call. The illness has taught me so much though, things that I may have never learned before!

Most important lessons of 2010:

Life is too short.

Stop worrying.

My family and friends are wonderful.