Sometimes.

There are moments when I act like a teenager. I think "screw it, I am done being sick, don't feel like being responsible" and then I act out of impulse! I am glad to realize that I am alive, that I still feel alive, I am grateful for a husband that will be next to me at all times....I am crazy, always have been, always will be...even if I am all settled down these days!

Lots of love to all of you!!!

Let me re-phrase this!

Ahhh...a couple of posts ago, I wrote about my disappointment. I was a bit in a hole that day, feeling sad and depressed. And while I am still sad about realizing how little my friendship, or I, seem to matter to people I love, I feel like I should say this:

I have the best friends in the world. I have the most amazing family in the world.

This entire journey, the illness, the chemo, the struggle...none of it would have been possible without my family and my amazing friends!

THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!

My new "friend"

I have wonderful amazing great friends and one of them happens to be my neighbor!

Yesterday she brought me this baby:

It is a three year old cherry tree. It came with a letter, telling me how she hauled the tree on her bicycle from the store home-in the snow. The letter said a lot more, but that is private. What B. did NOT know is that 1. cherries are my absolute favorite, and 2. I am a tree hugger, in true sense of the word. Yes, I hug trees. I think that trees are amazing, and while going through the ups and downs of life, I have learned that nothing is more restoring than going up to a tree and hugging it, leaning against it, whatever....I am weird like that!

Either way, it is an amazing gift and quite special!

Disappointment

It is very sad and hurtful to know that my husband's friends, my sisters friends, my friends that I have known only for five or less years, care a million times more than some of the friends of mine that I grew up with. Don't get me wrong, I 100% appreciate and love my US friends and those that I have only known for a short time, my sister's and my husband's friends! It is just that I missed my old friends so much while I was in the States, wanted nothing but to re-connect with them when I moved back to Germany, and needed them in the past nine months while I fought this battle of my life!

It has not been all of my old friends, but some. I am so thankful for every single one of my friends that stood by my side, send me encouragement, talked to me, met me for coffee, came by for dinner, went for walks with me, cared about me and my struggle....I am, however, equally hurt by those that never even bothered to give me a call, no less visit me while I was in the hospital or stuck at home as a chemo monster!

I am very hurt by their lack of interest. Yes, I fought for my life. And while I may have never really shown it, I struggled, it was hard, I was scared, I was weak, it was horrible, and lonely....and I really needed all the help I could get. It hurts to realize that somebody you care about so much, just really does not give a shit!

Yes, I am hurt. Very much so. This experience sucks as it is, but it sucked that much more to realize how little these particular people care....Whatever!

P.S: Just as I am writing this, my neighbor, whom I have no connection with, other than us living in the same building, brought me a plant because she wanted to congratulate me ro my new life....ahhhh I want to just throw up, but instead I will face this stupid stupid day, and smile!

Well, that's that!

Anticipated fear of a return of the cancer is very real. Yes, I do my self exam every single day. I am feeling bumps and lumps everywhere...ahhh....this is frustrating. The thing is this, it is normal to have this fear. I have read from some people that it took them years. Let's just hope that every single cancer cell was killed by chemotherapy, yeah!

Oh, and about the port...I was advised, again, to leave it in for at least 2, ideally 5 years. So that's that...a constant reminder that only in 5 years things are "safe"....what a skewed perspective of life I am living in. At age 28, for most people death is so far away. For me it is something I am faced with all the time. This year I have fought so incredibly hard FOR my life, I have learned not to take anything in it for granted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note I am extremely irritated with being sick. I mean I have been dealing with this cold for 6 weeks! It gets better only to get worse, and really bad, a little better...and worse.

That's my ramble for the day...off to a great weekend!

To keep the port, or not to keep it???

I have written about the port already before. It was an extremely uncomfortable experience having it put in. Since I have "gotten used" to it. I can do most daily activities without a problem. Most, not all. Yoga exercises are sometimes an issue, carrying a backpack is uncomfortable...but I manage. Anyways, now that treatment is over I have to decide whether to keep it in or not!

Why would you keep it? Well, worst case scenario, I am back at the Doctor's in a year or two because I found "something", should I need chemo again, they would recommend me a port again...

The reasons for getting it out are obvious!

What to do? What to do?

Can you believe it: I AM DONE!!!!

My dear readers,

I am happy to announce to you that I am done with treatment! Yes, it is true. I am officially done.

CRAZY

I have spent the last 9 months with Doctor appointments, Chemo therapy, radiation, surgery, needles, pain, nausea...and all of the sudden I am done. Just like that! Exactly 9 month minus 1 day I was diagnosed, and aside from rehab and after care appointments I am done with this chapter....Wooooohhhhoooo! Reality is, of course, that the chapter is not over, but trust me...I am going to party it up now! Be ready!!! Thanks everyone for all your help and support!

The very last one!

Today is going to be my very very very last radiation! Hoooooray! You have no idea how excited I am. This means, I will be allowed to shower normally! It also means that tomorrow I will start REMISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I'll throw a party...haha!

In two weeks a friend is coming to visit from the US, in 3 weeks it's Chrismas, in 4 a NEW YEAR...

2011, here I come, you will be my year!!!

Though I will tell you this: there will be NO RESOLUTION for 2011! My resolution for 2010 was to finally become healthy.....didn't quite mean it this way!

Got it sorted out...now let's find a new reason for worries!

Good news: I will start rehab on January 4th 2011. Just as I applied for it, here, as an outpatient.

Bad news: All this has taught me, again, that I have an issue with worrying. You see, M., my Mom, U., everybody told me "just call on Monday and they'll switch the date. It's that easy." But I was unable to concentrate all weekend, unable to sleep because the thought of having to start this week gave me that much anxiety! Ahhhh...I wish I could stop worrying! I used to be quite good at "switching off" my anxiety and worries, but thanks to lovely wonderful breast cancer I cannot! I don't know how to anymore!!

What to do?

Gaaawwwhhh...not a day without a hassle!

Yes, it sure seems as though there is an issue waiting for me every single day!!!!

Ok, in Germany you can get approved for rehab after a serious illness like cancer (you can get it for other things too). I think I mentioned before that I applied for it, on a outpatient basis, starting in January. The social worker that helped me file for it, said that the standard is to wait 3 to 4 weeks after the end of treatment, and with the holidays coming up it would make the most sence to start in the new year.....

Well, I did get approved. Well at least that is what the letter from the Clinic says. The letter also tells me to show up on Wednesday 9 AM. We're talking about 4 days from today, one day after radiation ends, Wednesday....AGGGHHHH! It is very stressful for me, I must say!

You see, some may think "well, you have been off for 9 months now, isn't it time to return to work" Sure! Yes! But let's be realistic, I have NOT been on vacation, I did not have a cold...really, those 4 weeks that I was planning on having before rehab would have been the first chance to take a breather for me since....MARCH!!!

So, I am asking you to say a prayer, squeeze your thumbs, cross your fingers, send me energy...whatever it is you think works, for me to have the patience, strength, endurance....to take it up with the federal people next week, explaining why I cannot do this without a break!!!

Thanks!

Let's be honest.

Ok, let's be honest today, shall we?

I could not tell you how many times in the past 9 months I have heard the sentence "you are so strong" but it has been a lot. I have you fooled. I am not strong. Not at all. I hide. Only a very select few are allowed to experience my weak side, and even then I don't feel comfortable showing that I feel sad, scared, weak, fatigue, nauseous, anxious, or whatever...

I can't tell you why I have such issues showing that side of me, but I guess it is just the way I am.

There is one issue that I am wanting to write about today. Self image. You see, I

have grown in that area quite a bit in 2010. There is a certain "ideal" that I think all of us have in their mind when they look at themselves. Wherever that ideal comes from is really not that important, but I do not fit that ideal. I don't, and never will. You see, I have a cup size difference from one breast to the other, my right chest is brown like a rotisserie grilled chicken, I have three additional large scars on my body, I have really short eye lashes, my hair is short and shaggy without a real haircut, and so on and so on. I do not fit the "ideal". For the first time in a long long long time, however, I realize that I don't care.

My scars tell a story, as does my roasted skin and each additional kilogram that I gained during chemo. Yes, I will never make it on the cover of Elle magazine, or Shape and that is fine with me, because I guess my story has never been about "fitting in".

I am a changed person.

Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but reality is that I will never be the same person I was 9 months ago before I was told I have breast cancer. The illness, the treatment, this entire experience has changed me and there is no going back.

The "big part" of radiation is officially over, I have 7 more "boosts" and then treatment is coming to an end. I should be happy and excited right? I am not. I am scared. Terrified. My insomnia has gotten worse, my fears and anxieties bigger than ever. The "what ifs" are louder and more frequent ever...

"What if it comes back?"

"What if I cannot work anymore?"

"What if the Doctors missed something?"

"What if the pain does not go away?"

"What if I cannot handle life anymore?"

"What if the scar does not get better?"

"What if, what if, what if....?"

I will never be the same person....

Thanksgiving, thankfulness....

Today is Thanksgiving. Not beeing American, Thanksgiving was not something I experienced until I lived in Arkansas, but while living in the US I learned to enjoy this day, as it all about beeing grateful for family, friends, food, and everything else.

As I am trying to develop an attitude of gratitude I will let y'all know what I am thanful for this year:

I am so thankful to be alive. It is so basic, but nothing would matter if I was not aive.

I am thankful that I found the cancer in time, that it had not spread, that I was able to get and afford treatment, that I was able to handle treatment pretty well, and that treatment seems to be coming to an end soon.

I am thankful for a wonderful husband that has been on my side through all of this, that sat next to me during every single chemo, comes to radiation with me, and lets me be upset when I need to.

I am thankful for the most amazing family that I know I can count on and that has helped me out so many many many times.

I am grateful for my amazing friends. They have helped me get it all out when I needed to and talked to me about something else when I needed distraction.

I am grateful for the Doctors that respect me and my choices and the nurses that have made this journey possible.

I am thankful to live in a country where I have affordable health insurance that pays for my treatment, and in a country where my job is secured even though I have not been at work for 8 months.

I am grateful that I have food to eat every day and clean water to drink every day.

I am thankful that I had the opportunity to travel this year.

I am thankful to live in this wonderful city with amazing woods around us.

Forgiving vs. saying "I am sorry", giving vs. taking

Ok, again this will be a bit off topic. yes people, I have tons of time to think these days and not everything can be cancer related. Indirectly, however, really all that is going on, everything I think about these days has something to do with MY disease.

So these days I have been thinking about forgiving and saying "I am sorry". I am not exactly good at either one.

Yes, I hold grudges. I don't want to, but I find myself doing it nonetheless. I know that once I have been hurt by someone too badly, I have a hard time letting go.

I also struggel with apologizing. I can see when I did something wrong and have no problem admitting it to myself but when it comes to others, I struggel.

Anyways, since I lack in those areas I want to make a point of becoming better at them. As I decided to do so, I was wondering which of the two is more important? My personal conclusion is that the area that you are lacking in more needs (maybe) more attention....HOWEVER, both are equally important to oneself and to others. It is like giving and taking. We need to be good in both....

What do you think, I wonder? Forgiving or apologizing? Which one is more important?

Conformity

Those that know me a bit better may know that I have always had an issue with conformity. I am of the opinion that everybody conforms to something, if you are Sorority girl with UGG boots and shorts than that's what you conform to, and if you are a punk with green and blue hair...well, than you conform to the punk culture. I am no different, I conform. However, I try think on my own, try not to get caught up in the superficial things too much. I often forget.

In the last 9 months I have had a lot of time to think and a lot of different experiences. For several months I did not fit the image of a woman. I challenged what people believe a woman is supposed to look like....and trust me, most did not hide their shock and disgust. So, what is a woman supposed to look like? What is she supposed to act like? Is she less of a woman because of short hair, or because she protests against the war, or because she forms her very own opinion on complex topics? PLEASE!

What does conformity have to do with breast cancer? Not much really. I just thought about it and since this is my blog I thought I'd write about it.

Positivity

There are days when it is easy to be positive and then there are those when it is increasingly hard. My "homework" for this week was to tell myself: "Ok, 2010 wasn't quite my year, but it's almost over....2011, however, that's GOING to be my year. Double 1!!!"

So....that is what I tell me.

My application for "rehab" will be sent off Monday. Fingers crossed and thumbs squeezed that I get my location and that I get to do it as an out-patient. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!!!

Any thoughts on positive thoughts? Do you believe that they work?

PS: This is totally a kind request to all of you to cross fingers, squeeze thumbs...whatever...in hopes that the German government agrees with my rehab plans and doesn't deny my request! PLEAS?!

Dull

As I walk across the bridge, feeling dull, like my head is not in the right spot, like I have no energy I think.

It is fall. I have spent two entire seasons with cancer. I hate you cancer. I hate you because you scare me, because you make me feel weak, because you have turned my life around, because I worry even more since you are in my life. I hate you. I hate you.

Where has the summer gone? What happened this summer? Spring? Was there a spring?

Yes, of course I was there. I know there was the world cup, a brief heat wave. But I did not get to live this summer, and that my friends is something I will never get back. The cancer has robbed me of two entire season from 2010! And I am not ok with that...I am sad about it,

disappointed..."but at least I am on the road to remission"...baaaaaaaaaaaah!

And as I walk across the bridge with these thoughts I look up:

"There is a lighter sky somewhere in the distance, not that far away"

What do YOU do when you feel dull?

Things I get tired of hearing....

When you have a diagnosis like cancer people seem to handle it very differently when they find out. Some will not ever call you. Some only send a text message. Some are suddenly back in your life....

There are certain "standard" sentences that I have heared....agh, I have no idea how many times.

"If there is anything I can do, just let me know." The sentence itself is not so bad. It is bad when it comes from someone that I have not heard from since, or from somebody that I have called since and "helping" me was just too much in that moment!

"All will be goo. I just KNOW!" I don't think I have to explain why this one REALLY PISSES ME OFF! You don't know. I don't know. The Doctors don't know. Time will tell if I fought hard enough, if the medication worked....

"You are so strong!" No I am not. Not at all. I do what I have to, I do my best, but I am weak, very weak!

"In the end this will have just been a trial" TRIAL? Is it a trial if I punch you in the face? Maybe! There is no "just" in the same context as having cancer, getting chemo, and fighting....this will never have been "just" a trial.

THANK YOU!

~H.

About being sick and being tired.

Ok, if you know me, you know how much I hate being sick. Yes, everybody hates being sick, but over the last hmmm....let's say four years or so, I have spent more time being sick than being healthy and I hate it. It sucks. A lot.

2010 has not been my year I'd say. I have been sick, and off work since March, it is Novemeber. Now I am nursing a nasty cold. It's been going on for a while. I would never even complain about it, but I am tired of being sick. I can tell how my body is lacking energy. No energy to fight this. No strength. I just have to deal it. Oh, and since it would be counterproductive I am not allowed to take Vitamins (in particular Vitamin C)....

I used to feel tired. These days it's called FATIGUE. Side effect from Chemo and radiation. "Normally" it goes away within three months after finishing treatment. Sometimes it doesn't ever.

Cool prospect huh?!

Yes, I am a bit dark these days...the stupid dark grey weather sure does not lift my spirits.

"Pink Fatigue"

Funny thing, I received an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She asked about my opinion on the "pink issue". Do I think it is offensive when people "commiserate with a breast cancer survivor by buying pink stuff?". I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I hope that this post may be a bit more s"structured" than the response I sent her, but if you don't feel like reading a long post, you better go read something else!



In short the answer is "Yes, mostly yes at least"! Let me explain...



There is the emotional issue:



1. I do wear a pink bracelet because it makes a statement. It helped me feel a bit more secure when I was hairless, because I hoped that those staring would see it and feel stupid. I am saying "I AM A SURVIVOR!" when I wear it, and my family members that wear it, say "we are on her side".



2. Those people that buy pink junk and feel nice and cozy at night because they "did something" tend to be the same people that turn their head at the sight of a hairless girl and "whisper" to their friend "look at her". There is a lot I could say about those people, in the end I hope they never have to experience the pain comments like that can cause!



3. Pink IS the WRONG color. Pink is a very "cute" color. Let me tell you there is nothing CUTE or SEXY about breast cancer. It is HORRIBLE, PAINFUL, UGLY! Going through treatments is not cute either. Nor is recovery. Also, pink is a "girly" color. Men are affected by breast cancer, too. Now not as often as women, sure. But that makes it that much harder for men that are affected, I think?! Some suggest a barb wire ribbon to represent cancer. Barb wire because it is a tough, painful, difficult thing. I think green could be a good color, green is the color of hope-something we all need-, as well as, the color of MONEY!

4. There are many women out there, that feel like "celebrating" is certainly the wrong term. We are suffering. We are tired. We are sick. We are mourning.



In the end it seems, life is always about money, so is this issue:



5. Let's think this through. Do you think a pink tote, flag, ribbon, shoe, scooter...(fill in any of the "pink" products) makes a difference in finding a cure?! Really? I don't think so. It's marketing. A way to make the customer buy the company's junk, just because "it has the pink ribbon" on it. Well, look into it. Not everything that is pink helps "finding a cure" or "supports survivors". I am serious, companies all over the world use pink to up sales...Yes, there are several organizations and foundations in the cancer research field that are worth supporting, but be picky!

6. It's lack of proper treatment and too late detection that causes people to die of breast cancer. I was lucky, I did my self-exam and pushed my Dr. to investigate the matter. There are too many women that neglect their self-exam, or may not even know what to look for when doing it. There are too many women that cannot afford a mammogra, don't even talk about treatment. Let's push for more research funds, for more treatment options, for better health care, for a health system that allows anybody to get the treatment they need to survive without financially ruining themselves. I am fortunate. I live in a country were I am protected. I still have my job. My treatment is almost entirely paid for by the insurance. I even get paid most of my salary. Imagine the same scenario in the US were I worked as an hourly for one of the bigger companies -that's right, M. and I would be financially ruined, that's a sure thing. Doing your part in changing that is worth a million more than wearing pink shoes.

7. Finally, look at WHO is supporting the pink campaign. Let's take Estee Lauder as an example, they have a big campaign called "the pledge" or something. Well, their products are filled, I mean jam packed, with known carcinogens...Yes, those creams and lotions "may" cause cancer. It's the same as when Philip Morris has little "how to quit smoking" pamphlets in their smokes packs. STUPID! MESSED UP!


In the end, my friends, it takes more than buying stuff, talking about being a supporter, or posting on facebook what color bra you are wearing...

You are no supporter of breast cancer awareness because you buy a pink ribbon.

You are no environmentalist because you donate money to Greenpeace.

You are no Christian because you wear a cross.

You are no Buddhist because you like what the Dalai Lama says.

You are no humanitarian because you donate your old stuff to the Salvation Army.

You are not a punk because you have green hair.



Yes, you are busy! I know, we all are! But if you want to stand for something than, in my opinion, you should a) know what it is you stand for b) own it and not just say "I am__"
I know-that's a lot!

If you are more interested to find out more about this, look up:

http://www.stopbreastcancer.org/ --> though keep in mind, that they too are competing for funds!

And if you want to support a breast cancer survivor you can do more than buying pink stuff-call, just to talk. Let her/him cry. Let her/him complain without telling them that life isn't that bad..I could go on and on with good advice, but being a friend is ultimately the right thing to do!

Do you have an opinion on the topic?

Lots of love!

~H.

PS: This is just my opinion...

Race for the Cure!

I was asked today, for the first time, why I walked the Race for the Cure! The question was "what did it mean to you, and why did you walk it 3 weeks after having surgery?".

Well, I decided to share the answer with you, too! When I found out I had cancer I was scared, scared to be sick, scared that maybe I found it too late.

When I found out I would need chemo I was scared, scared that I would not feel well, of being sick.

Feeling scared can paralize you. So, I decided to set myself a goal. No matter what, I would make it to that Race, and I would walk it. I had hoped to be able to run it, but I did not make it...

For me, the race was emotional. I was able to do what I had set my mind to. And while all that came to walk with me, walked "for me", I walked for all the beautiful women that I met along the way. I dedicated my baloon to those that did not make it, those that are alone, those too weak to walk, those too scared to fight....I have been incredibly fortunate, and they helped me realize it!

Picture by U. Rieger

Survivor and remission.

I have been wondering when I can start counting myself as a survivor? What date will mark my "1 year survivor, 2 year...etc"?

I have seen myself as a survivor the entire time. Giving up was no option. There was no debate. So I am a survivor right now.

However, remission begins on the first day after my last treatment. So not yet. That will be the day that I will mark as my "remission day".

Any thoughts?

~H

It is just radiation...

So it is the second week of radiation and I am exhausted.

The doctors say it is fatigue and begins normally about 3 or so weeks after treatment starts, but I am exhausted and I have this cough-the cold weather they say.

I am exhausted of going there every day!

I am exhausted of Doctors telling me that my exhaustion, pains, coughs...(fill in any ailment you like) has nothing to do with the treatment I am receiving!

I am exhausted from being sick!

I am exhausted fromworrying!

I am exhausted from looking into the mirror and seeing sickness!

I am exhausted from it all!

I will continue with treatment and finish it, but I just felt like complaining because when anybody asks me how I am doing I say "Fine! It is JUST radiation! Chemo is a lot worse!". While that is true, chemotherapy is worse, there is no "just" about radiation. It is difficult. It is hard. And I struggle. But this is the only place that I will admit it. Why? Because I don't like to show it when I am weak...

~Lot of love on this cold autumn day! H.

Friends!

You can learn a lesson in just about any moment of your life. My illness has taught me a lot of things. One of the things that I learned is that there were/are people in my life that I considered good friends that have proven to be quite the opposite.

I am not angry at them, and I am not bitter. No! I am sad. Actually I don't know how many times M. has had to hear me cry about it. I have never been somebody to make friends easily. Aquaintances yes, friends no. For me to call somebody a friend, I have to trust; trust that they will be there if I really need them. Well these particular people have not even been able to call me once or send a text message. Nothing. I am sorry, if your life is so busy. And I am sad to lose another friend!

No more hospitals! Please....

I think if I counted up all the time I spent in hospitals this year it would amount to something quite significant. One of the ladies said this "you know, we have a deadly illness, you'd think your time is more valuable than ever....sure isn't to the Docs". How true is that.

To me spending entire days in a waiting room is stress. Stressful. Full of stress. The smell makes me want to puke. The yellow walls make me want to cry. The rude secretaries make me want to scream. Stress! I have read every single magazine in each of the waiting rooms, and know way too much about the life of the rich and fabulous! STRESS

Surgery

Had my surgery.
I went with the lumpectomy.
All went well.
Had to stay 5 days.
Got out today, am tired, sore, crushed....my spirits are low, very low.

I met a few women who really touched me.

R. with cervical cancer. So scared. Found out she will need chemo. Terrified. I told her that she will be fine.

I. breast cancer. Like me she wanted a mastectomy but Docs convinced her of lumpectomy. They didn't get it all the first round. She had to stay and get another surgery, this time mastectomy.

I wish I could help. I wish I could make these women healthy, or at least feel better. I am angry. I am disappointed and cannot even say why.

This time I did not want anybody-aside from family-to visit. I get irritated with the looks, the "ohhh you poor thing" looks. I am not poor. I am not little. It is a horribly ugly thing, but not the end....which is why I don't want to be treated this way.

Dr. S. the surgeon is happy with the wound, I think it is ugly and I don't feel a thing on my right side. What a prospect!

"I know you will make it"

Is one of the many sentences I hear all the time. People tell me they "know", in the end it will have been "just" a trial! I am "a strong person", right!

When I am told those things I smile. Inside I think "You do NOT know". At this point nobody knows. We all hope. I fight. I will continue to fighting however long I need to, but you do not know the outcome. In 5 years nobdoy can say "I knew".

I bitch a lot these days. Please forgive me. On a lighter note: I have great family and friends, that have learned to deal with me, and let me cry when I need to, without saying "all will be good!"

Cancer diet...

As I am already excited about stuff, I will talk about another topic that angers me.

There are so so so many books out there, claiming to know "the cancer diet"! Ok, neither the US cancer foundation, FDA, German Cancer Research Center (DKFZ), or the German Cancer Information Center (DKID) say that there is a certain diet that will prevent you from having cancer or will help you cure your cancer! It's, again, MARKETING. I know a thing or two about marketing. It's about money! Yes, there are foods that are better than others, but it comes down to a healthy lifestyle, though even that cannot preven you from having cancer.

General suggestions are:

- Minimize chemical foods
- Know what's in the stuff you eat
- Eat less meat
- Eat more veggies and fruit
- The fats you eat should be healthy fats
- Minimize consumption of refined foods
- use natural sweetener, like honey or agave sirup
- Drink more water
- Quit smoking
- Drink less or no alcohol
- Excercise
- Go outside

Don't spend money on books that claim to be able to prevent you having cancer. It's bull. Instead spend some time and learn what "a healthy lifestyle" REALLY means.

~H.

Today's Mantra

"Don't cry because it happened, smile because you made it!"



Yes, it is cheesy! So what? I love cheese, ok! Besides, you will never guess where I heard it!

~H.

Chemomonster

The Chemomonster is a little creature, a parasite really, that uses my body as host. The Chemomonster came into my body shortly after the first treatment. It blurs my mind, makes me forgetful, makes me irritable, makes me weak, makes me give in to fear, makes me scared, it makes me hate smells, it makes me hate food, it makes me lack interest, it has changed me....

I look into the mirror these days and all I see is the CHEMOMONSTER! It is not just visual, but the lack of hair sure doesn't help, I live in a haze these days....

And yes, it is caused by the chemo. Pharmaceutical Companies may want you to think that the brain is not affected...I call BS on that!

Lumpectomy or Mastectomy

Ok, the tumor has shrunk-the Docs suggest a lumpectomy.
I am not sure.
I am scared.
I understand that I do NOT have the genetical mutation and that a mastectomy on both sides is hence-EXTREME to say the least....but, but, but ...

I could tell you a million gazillion reasons on why I am considering a mastectomy. In the end it all comes down to me being scared. Yes, I made it through Chemo well. You all say it. Everyone tells me how good I look. I don't feel good. I feel gross, ugly, sick, weak, horrible. I am scared every single day. I worry about it coming back. I am terrified of having to do chemo again...

Anyways....

"But..." no more buts!

"...but you are so strong!"

"...but you fight so hard!"

"...but you are such an inspiration!"

"...but you are beautiful!"

I know these are all well meant comments. I know they are sincere. I know they are meant to comfort me. I know they are meant to help. I know they are said because the other person does not know what else to say. I know I know I know...but:

I AM TIRED OF HEARING "BUT"

Sometimes, when I complain, when I feel weak, when I am scared, when I worry, when I am tired, when I feel ugly, when I am in pain, when I feel gross, when I feel sick-I just don't want to hear it! I hear it every day...the "but" makes it sound like it's ok that I am sick, and I am sorry there is nothing ok about it. Nobody asked me, because I would have said NO....I HATE BEING SICK!

Chemo Nr. 6

Chemo Nr. 6 was on July 22nd. I was, to be totally honest, terryfied of it.
After Nr. 5 being the way it was, I just new it was going to be tough...And it was!!

I got quite sick within the first 20 minutes of the first dose...boy! I did not have it in my this time to concentrate on anything else. I hate pitting myself...I hate feeling sick...I hate beeing stuck in a situation that causes me to feel this way.

"It is the last one", "You are almost done", "Remember it is for the better"....GREAT!
My Dr. told me today that I should pick a song or something to celebrate this achievement-sorry but celebration time will have to wait!!!

My sister and husband were there to be next to me through all of it and I am thankful for everyone that cares for and about me, but sometimes explaining how I am doing, how things are going, gets exhausting!

I got very sick and actually do not feel like writing too much about it, other than that it was, as expected, VERY tough and hard for me. I am grateful that I am done with this!

Gentest-the result

In short-I am not a carrier of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation....this was a much atincipated day, and I did not tell anybody about it. Why I wonder now that I am writing. I guess I was scared. Fear...a common theme these days!

Anyways, right now I am relieved. I am not a carrier. Nice.

Yes. these days happiness seems small and fragile...like something I have to handle with care!

Chemo Nr. 5

I had my 5th Chemo on Thursday July 1st, 2010. Yes, "we" are getting closer to the end...

We-me, M. my parents, my sister, friends, those that care-have almost made it through Chemo!

M. and I got there a little bit before 8 o'clock and things moved in normal pace. I was a bit irritable and annoyed though when they did finally hook me up to the first Chemo at around 11 am. At this point it was in the mid 80's and no A/C and I immediately realized that the medicine was dripping much slower than normal.

I got hooked up to the second bag around 12:30, and again....reaaaaaaaaaaly slow. So I asked the nurse why that was the case, and she didn't even look at me or the IV and just walked off saying "it's all good". Now all the nurses and Doctors have been nothing but wonderful and amazing to me and have tried to make this as easy as possible, but this particular one...really? I wanted to let her have a piece of my mind, instead I cried.

At this point my Mom and M. were both sitting next to, knowing that the only thing they can do in moments like these is let me cry and tell them what I am upset about. Tell them what I want, why I am angry....

At about 2 pm I was hooked up to the third and final bag of Chemo, I again told the rude nurse that it was dripping very slow and she went to the other nurse saying "Could you check on this, she thinks it's too slow!" and yes, the other nice nurse turned up the drip for me, so we were out of there a little before 4 pm....Long Day!

As soon as we got home, I went straight to bed and did not get up till the next day around 10:30 am. To be honest, I have gotten up out of bed, showered, did some laundry, fixed some food...but most of my time is spent in bed....

Side effects are worse than ever: fatigue, nausea (can't even drink water), head aches, dry mouth....

Lymphdrainage

I am starting Lymphdrainage today.
Yeah, they say that since only 2 lymphnodes were removed I should not have problems.
But I do.
A lot.
My arm hurts, it swells, and I cannot carry my purse with it.

So, I am getting lymphdrainage today!

Babies Mamas, Mamas with strollers, pregnant women

At the risk of offending-I am really annoyed and WILL vent!

Ok, so due to many things, especially my current medication regiment, I am not allowed in the sun. I am already very very fair complected, now I burn within minutes, plus I get sick.

So I walk in the shade. I mean I plan my routes if I even leave the house. All the time these days I find myself walking-in the shade-when a pregnant woman or a woman with a stroller will come up, and I'll be damned if she moves...NO! NEVER! "They" won't budge, and I(because I give in) end up in the sun! I always tell myself "next time" and find myself getting in the sun th next time, too...

ARRRGGGH! Note to self-when I have a baby or am pregnant and see clearly bald and sick person, be mindful! I can only imagine that being triple your normal weight during this heatwave sucks but please!

Let's all be a bit more mindfull!

The Good The Bad The Ugly

The Good days are:

When I can feel hopeful.
When I know I will beat this.
When I put a smile on my face no matter how many people turn their heads at my hairless head.
When I smell the forrest, a flower, food or something and think "how wonderful".
When I can go for a walk.
When I feel like talking.
When I enjoy reading.
When I feel inspired.

The Bad days are:

When I feel sad and worried.
When I cannot enjoy food.
When I feel tired.
When my energy is low.
When I have hot flashes.
When I smell somebody's perfume and it makes me gag.
When peoples looks hurt me.
When questions get on my nerves.

The Ugly days are:

When I have not the least bit of energy, strength, courage, or will to continue this fight.
When that silent feeling of panic cannot be controled and gets louder by the second.
When I wake up after a night of tossing and turning and am not so sure on how I am going to make it through another day of this.
When every day is only just one day closer to the next Chemo day.
When I want to scream, cry, and yell but don't even have the energy for that.

I am not one for pitty and I am not asking for it now either. The reason for me letting you know that I have bad days and worse days is simply that I am sorry for the way I act on those days.
I have been told how great it is that I am positive a million times over, but sometimes I too, am scared...fear is not a feeling I am very comfortable with, and it is in those moments of fear that I feel completely unable to come and ask for help. So please, please, please forgive me when I come across as rude!

Most days are good days for me, and I want to continue that way. I want to be that girl that smiles eventhough she has breast cancer. I want to feel inspired every single second that I go through this.

A lot of the very lovely ladies I have met at the day clinic where I get my Chemotherapy are not as fortunate as me, don't feel very well physically, lack the wonderful support that I have, feel lonely, and feel their spirits crushed. It is for those women that I put on a smile every time I walk in there, turn over to them and say "what a wonderful day, huh...today we are one day closer to being healthy!"

So, in the spirit of this, let us all have a wonderful day and let's help somebody smile and let us feel very inspired!

Chemo Nr. 4

Chemo Nr. 4 which I got on June 10th, 2010 was tough.

Everything went well, I got there a little before 8, left around 2:30-3 pm.

The ladies in my room were super sweet, one was there for here first Chemo and very nervous, one was there for here 4th like me and couldn't sit up on her own anymore, and one was there for her 11th treatment and was chowing down on her salami sandwiches....yes, we all handle Chemo very differently, and there is a reason the Dr. and Nurses do not say "this is how it will be" and rather "these are possible side effects, this may happen".

When we got home, I rested a bit and then my Dad came to visit and we went for dinner...not so smart. I was feeling a lot worse than I wanted M. and my Dad to know, so I sat at the table, at my dinner, and smiled. I couldn't tell you one word that was spoken. It is even hard to remeber that we went to dinner at all. Chemobrain! Nausea has become a real issue, coupled with heart burn, dry mouth, and fatigue....ohhh the joys of side effects!

At least the World Cup started! Go Germany!

Medications

Some have been asking me about how my medication regiment is since I have started Chemo. So, to make it easier, I write it down:

Day before Chemo:
- Cortison 1 pill every six hours

Day of Chemo:
- 1 Cortison pill in the AM
- 1 Aprepitant (Emend) for (or rather against) the nausea

Chemo itself:
1x Aprepitant
1x sleepy medicine
1x coritson
1xDocetaxel (Taxotere®) 75mg/qmKO-->actual Chemo stuff....
1xDoxorubicin (Adriamycin) 50mg/qm KO-->actual Chemo stuff...
1xCyclophosphamid 500mg/qm KO-->actual Chemo stuff....

7 hours after Chemo: 1x Cortison

Day1 (after Chemo):
- Aprepitant
- leukocyte booster shot

Day 2:
- Aprepitant

Day 5-10:
- Antibiotic

Every day:
3xVitamin B-because my hands and feet go numb all the time

If my blood count is low, I have to take antiobiotics for 5 days, which it has been low almost every week!

Half way point

I am disappointed.
Crushed a bit, really.
But I will only admit it on here.
I will not tell anybody how devasting today was for me!

Here is what happened. Since I am half way done with Chemo, I had an appointment for an ultrasound to check if Chemo has shrunk the tumor. That would be good. If it was gone it would be ideal....

Well, I can still feel the tumor and told myself "it won't be smaller!".
It isn't.
Of course the Dr. tells me that since it has not grown, that is still GREAT.

Whatever!

Feeling crushed-an oh so familiar sensation.

Chemo Nr. 3.

Chemo Nr. 3 was yesterday. I went over with pretty well, though it is kicking my butt a lot more.

Things went fine, M. sat with me the entire time, my Mom came by. I cannot eat the hospital food they serve us for lunch anymore. The smell alone is enough to make me gag. So M. went to the butcher across the street and got me some sandwiches. I am not sure wat it was, but I know that I cannot eat anything from that place anytime soon.

I am sick. I am tired. My head is spinning. I am weak. Quite weak. M. and I went "shopping" with a couple of friends. It was too much for me. In the evening we were invited to dinner. It was too much.

Now I just lay here. Feeling tired and sick, unable to sleep, unable to get comfortable. I wish the chemo monster would leave.

I have no hair left on me. A few eyelashes. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person I see.

FEAR

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

I am scared. I am fearful. I cannot explain this to you, it is just that way. I wake up and I have this fear in my. And it will not leave...

Happy Anniversary!

M. and I have been married for two years since yesterday!

Ahhh how lucky I am to have this wonderfuly amazing husband on my side. Did I mention he sits by my side while I get Chemo, all day long, he rubs my hands when I have a headache, he makes me heat packs when my bones hurt, he cooks me soup when I am cold, he rubs my head when I am scared....THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I never take him for granted. I am always thankful to have him on my side. I am always scared that I am too rude too often.

I wish I could tell him how much evreything he does means to me!

M. took me to Italy for a few days for our anniversary...and getting away from Doctors, from Chemo, from cancer, from the fear...ahh it was so good.

Felt alive for the first time in months!

Chemo Nr. 2

Chemo Nr. 2 was on 4/29 and went by relatively unspectacular.

The Doctor and the Nurses really made a point of making me feel better and gave me some medicine (yes the really good stuff) to help me calm down.

I went to the room that has beds in it because I was nervous and sat next to two older ladies who were quite friendly.

I was able to eat lunch, able to handle the Meds pretty well.

When I was all done M. and I were even able to stop by a coffee shop and have a drink....

Side effects aren't too terrible yet. I feel a bit tired and sore. Nausea is saying hello today, but I can handle it.

Losing my hair...

When I was told that I will have to get Chemo, one of my biggest fears was losing my hair. So in anticipation of the matter I had cut my hair short...today, exactly 12 days after my first chemo treatment, I woke up with a little bald spot in the front of my head.

Terrified of what it would look like when all my hair started coming out, I decided to buzz my hair down to 4 mm...

Yes, I cried for a second and got upset. But, now that it has been a few days...I know I can make it through this, too!

Exact diganosis

The exact medical diagnosis that I am currently faced with is:

Invasive ductale Mamma-CA right
ypT1bm ypNo (0/2sn), L0 G3 R0 (triple negative extern)

You want to know what all that means?

I HAVE NO IDEA!

Chemo Nr. 1

My appointment time for Chemo Nr. 1 was on 4/8/2010 at 10:30 am.

When I was released from the hospital one week before the Doc told me to make an appointment with the Oncologists before that, so I got an appointment at 8 am the same day. Since both places are in the same building no problem, right-wrong!

We sat around until 10 am in the waiting area, watching everybody else called in before me even though I was the very first patient there. So finally I went and asked what was going on...they had forgotten me. When I finally did see the Doc she asked why I was there...well "I was told to come, I was hoping you would know why!"....She had no idea why! So we just kinda sat there, me crying, and her telling me about Chemo...

At 11 am I went up to the Dayclinic to get my "treatment". The nurses at that station are just absolutely wonderful, and helped me ease a bit of my anxiety.

At around 1 pm I was finally hooked up to my first Chemo medicine. Now they hook you up to this bright red, very poisonous looking stuff and say "this will take about 45 minutes, it's best you don't move much so that the needle doesn't accidentally come out.." Ok, no problem, I can sit still for 45 minutes. But then I started feeling faint...."is it normal to feel a bit faint and heavy on the chest" I ask the nurse who in response runs off, and suddenly I have a Dr. and 4 nurses standing over me, putting shots of something in my port, stopping the Chemo IV, hooking machines to me, out of the corner of my eye I see oxygen being brought in. I was told I had an allergic reaction...Can you say PANIC ATTACK!!! It took me a good hour and a little talk with Dr. Wallwiener to get back to "normal".

2 more doses of chemo medicine, some cortisone, and some stomach medicine later I was done! My first Chemo treatment was over at 6:30 pm. My Mom picked M. and I up. From home we walked to the store, got some stuff, ate dinner, watched "Germany's next top model" and I was asleep by 10 pm.

Gentest

There are two known genetical mutations that cause about 5-10% of the breast cancer cases. Something like that anyways. If you are a carrier of the mutation, your risk of of becoming one of such "cases" is exponentially higher, as well as, the risk of having ovarian cancer...

Why do I write about it? Well I had the test done today. Yes, I already have the stupid cancer. However, the fact that I am 27 makes me be somewhat out of the norm...hence we would like to check it.

If I am a carrier-mastectomy on both sides is what I will be sugested, and it would affect my sister, mother...etc.

If I am not a carrier-no mastectomy neccessary.

Of course I worry, but I am in such a daze...it is all unreal at the moment.

We'll get the result "faster", so I will have it before Chemo is over....that way I can hear what the Docs suggest before I have surgery

We are parents!

YES, you read correctly! We are parents of 9 frozen embryos that will be waiting for us at the women's hospital!

Just thought I'd share that this part of the surgery went well, too!

Surgery take one!

I had surgery last week and now I am finally home.

The doctors removed 2 lymphnodes, and both were cancer free-no cancer cells. Phew! Good news!

I had this plan that I would show the hospital staff how great I was doing and thought that they would release me faster that way-didn't work!

I hate surgeries, and I hate hospitals. I ended up in a room with a snoring person, so I got no sleep really. So when they told me that I was being released-JOY!

Happy Easter to everyone~H.

No metastasis

Nothing more, just wanted to note that I was told (as a side note) that there were no metastasis found...

Chemo Port

Today I had the port put into me.

Some of you may not know what the port is, so here a (very) brief explanation.



"A chemo port is a thin, soft, plastic tube surgically implanted into a vein in your chest or arm. It allows healthcare professionals to draw blood and deliver chemotherapy drugs directly into a vein without having to insert an IV needle each time. The chemo port produces a small bump under your skin".



The procedure of putting the port in is supposed to be quite short, 30 minutes, with only a local anaesthetic. The surgen opens the skin on your shoulder, sews the port to your breast muscle (in my case on the left side) and enters the tube into the vein, which is right there...

This is if the vein is there. In my case the procedure took 3 hours, 3 hours that I was quite awake, hearing the cuts and feeling the pulling and pushing. After 2.5 hours the head Doctor had to come to find my............I was told that I don't have enough fat on me, which makes finding the vein quite difficult.

I now have a port in my cephalica through venae sectio-in case somebody wanted to know the medical term!

Well, after 3 hours I was ready to go. Now everything went well, but don't be mistaken for one second to think that I was feeling well. The port is a foreign object in your body, and my body started revolting...it felt as though I had a belt strapped around my chest and somebody was pulling as hard as they can.

In the end however, all worked out.
Now I am all ready to get my Chemo....

I have a small heart!

I am serious. It was confirmed today.

In preparation for Chemo, I had to have my heart checked. I am all good and ready to get the treatment, at least heart wise. However, I do have a small heart!

Telling people

I am quite reluctant to tell people about being sick. Why? I have no idea. My Mom is telling just about everyone she knows-I guess that is her way. People are posting on Facebook things that make other people think and wonder.
Sooner or later I may tell, for now I don't want questions. I don't want to answer the dreaded question of "how are you?"

"Well, how would you feel if you were told you had cancer? Great! I am doing wonderful!"

I know, I know! People try to do the right thing. People don't know...sorry, but right now I just don't feel like caring about others! Thanks

IVF and bone scintigraph

M.'s Mom left yesterday. I feel sad for him. I know it helped him to have somebody around, only for him. Somebody to hold his hand. I wish I could help him better.

We made a deciscion. We will do IVF. My Dad is kind enough to help us out with the finances, and loans us whatever treatment will cost. So, I got my first shot today, that will cause my natural hormon production to stop. Starting tomorrow I will have to give myself a shot of hormones that will cause my body to produce eggs...fun stuff.

Before getting my shot I had an appointment for my bone scintigraph to scan my bones for metastastis. It went ok. It's the waiting and the waiting room that really causes me stress. "Patience!!" I tell myself, as I look around into one sad face after the other.

Oh, I had some waiting time between getting my radioactive fluid shot and the actual scan so M. and I walked to the other hospital to get an appointment for the port. I have decided that I will use the chemo port..

I sure am glad to have M. here and that he is patient enough to come and sit in the waiting rooms with me all day!

Treatment plan

So we had a few days off from Doctor's appointments and were able to keep our mind off of things, show M.'s Mom around and enjoy a bit (if that was even really possible).
No free time today!

First we met with Dr. G. to discuss what the tumor board has decided as to what the optimal treatment would be. She explained me that they feel that I should get "neoadjuvant" chemotherapy-meaning before the tumor is removed. Dr. G. explained that resaearch has shown that doing it that way has better results in young women. After chemo, I should have surgery to remove the tumor, and after that radiation. One thing that is different if you have neoadjuvant chemotherapy is that the Doctors want to remove (a) lymphnode(s) before you begin treatment because else there is no way of telling if there are any cancer cells in the lymphnodes.

So the course of action is a little bit more planned now:
1. check for metastasis in lung, liver, and bones
2. surgery for lymphnode(s) removal
3. chemo
4. surgery tumor tissue removal
5. radiation
6. remission

After meeting with Dr. G. I went to the Oncology department and met with Dr. R. She explained me how Chemo will be, what will happen, my hair falling out, "here a prescription for a wig"....yes it was too much. Way too much! I am not sure why, but losing my hair is really bothering me. A lot.

After that appointment we had time for a quick lunch, which I don't remember too much off, except being upset.

Afterwards we had an appointment with the Children Wish Clinic.
There are 4 different options of preserving the option of having children in the future, should the Chemo destroy my ovaries:

-a shot to put me into menopause BEFORE chemo starts, it is the cheapest option-insurance pays it in full-but one that bares certain risks
-IVF-very often used, insurance will NOT pay, since I am not fertile (yet anyways), and we are looking at a cost of about €5000
-removal and freezing of ovarian tissue, which can later be implanted-not very much experience with this method yet, worldwide there are 8 children that were born through this method.

Too many choices and options really. And too much money. I am confused-what's new.

After that appointment I still had to go to get an ultrsound of my liver done-no metastasis. Good news at last!

I am tired and exhausted. I know this is only the beginning but it is too much.

Breast Center

I went to the Breastcancer Center today. My Mom went with me because M. went to pick-up his Mom from the airport.
Dr. G. will be my Doctor for now. She seems quite nice and thorough. She said that they still need one letter from the pathologist before they can give me definite recommendation for treatment, but that Chemo, surgery, and radiation are most certainly in my future-at least from their stand point.
Also, she explained that if I will get chemo, this will cause me to be in meno pause and can damage the ovaries permanently-so I need to meet with the Children-Wish-Clinic which at least is in the same building.
After meeting with her my Mom went to work and I had a bit time before going to the next hospital to get an MRI done. I have had one MRI before and it was no problem, uncomfortable but doable. Not this time. No no no! About 10 minutes into the deal I could not handle it anymore and rang the bell and told the ladies to get me out of there...so we will have to do it again sometime! Great!

Last night...

...I had this nightmare that I had breast cancer. Then I woke up this morning and realized that it was reality!





M. is scared. I see it when I look into his eyes. I try to comfort him but just can't find the right words. He has asked his Mother to come so that he can have some support. He realized that his job is being there for me now, and that I cannot give him much...I am glad she is coming.





I am confused!

Edvard Munch's "The scream"

~H.

Second opinion

Okay, it has been a few days, and a lot has happened.

Originally, the Doctor that gave me the result of the biopsy, let's call him Dr. K. had set up a surgery date for me on the 11th. He explained me that it was important that we operate quickly, that Chemo would not be neccessary for me, and that "maybe" we'd do radiation...but for now we needed to operate. Well, when you are told you have cancer and in the same sentence you are told you need to have surgery in 3 days, that's a lot. Anyways, I did agree to having the surgery, and he set it all up for me.

The day after I had found out, my Mom called me to tell me that her friend S., who works for the Cancer Information Service as a Psychooncologist, recommended I go to the University Clinic, since it is a Certified Breast Cancer Center. S. had explained my Mom that these centers are most up-to-date about treatment options etc.

So, off I went to Dr. K. to explain him that I would have to cancel the surgery because I only got an appointment at the Uni Clinic on the 11th. It appears that he was offended that I wanted a second opinion. He went on to explain me how that is very foolish of me, that I would regret that later, and more or less pushed me out of the room with the words "I wil see you on Thursday in the surgery!".

Wow! Here I am, confused as I can be, and this person is just causing me even more confusion. So I felt unable to say anything and just left, crying to M.

During my morning run the next day I felt that I really needed help in this dilemma, and that I just did not comfortable with Dr. K. treating me this way. So I went to my family practitioner, Dr. A. explained him the situation. He agreed that I needed to go to the Uni Clinic, and said that he would call Dr. K. to cancel the surgery and request that he would send me all the documents I needed for my appointment.

It is hard to explain you how difficult this was for me. Normally I am not somebody that really minds speaking up, but the diagnosis has confused me so much, mad my head spin around a million things at a time, and in this very moment I needed a Doctor who is supporting and helpful, not one whose ego is too big to let me do what I should do-get a second opinion!

~H.

Crash boom bang

"CRASH BOOM BANG!!!!"

That's the sounds I expected to hear when a life shatters. Not in my case. For me there was silence. Nothing.

I remember sitting at the Doctor's office, late in the evening, seeing his mouth move but hearing absolutely nothing but complete silence! Mamacarcinoma-I knew what it means.

BREASTCANCER

How did I get here? How did this happen?

A few weeks before that I felt a lump during my self-exam. At 27, anybody will tell you "a lump doesn't mean anything" which is why I only told my husband about it. However, I had a really bad feeling about it, which is why I went to see said Doctor. A fine needle biopsy came back "suspicious"and the mammogram did not show much, which is why a deep tissue biopsy was taken....the result "not very good, Mrs. S.".

When I left work I had tried to prepare myself for this moment. "You will not cry! You will be strong!" is what I told myself. Reality was different. I was not prepared to hear that I have cancer, and now I was sitting there, still, unable to think or speak.

M. and I left the Doctor's office, he took my hand, silence. Neither of us was able to speak. We just walked. Went home to call our family and tell them the news.

"I have breastcancer!"

"What? You mean you have a lump? That could be anything!"

"No, it is sure. I have breastcancer"

"Silence"

"I love you"

"Silence"

What do you say in this moment? I am still unsure! I don't know! I suppose there is no right or wrong thing to say!

I am 1 in 8

On March 8th, 2010 my life, and that of my family and friends, was turned upside down and inside out! I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

1 in 8 women will have the same diagnosis in her lifetime.

BREAST CANCER! There you go! Now you are on of the statistics-deal with it!

I am not the "average" breast cancer patient, simply because of my age (the average age of patients is 63), but I am 1 on 8, one of the thousands of women that has to live with the diagnosis...

I have decided to keep this blog as a "diary" of my own, personal journey...also, I have decided to only share it now...at a point that I am a lot more comfortable with things....

That is it for now....lots of love

~ H.